The Inner Ramblings of My Mind

Realizations and Meditations.

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 19:08:17 GMT

So... I have felt distant from life lately. I haven't felt much more than fear for a lot of parts of my life. Where did this fear come from? It hasn't always been here has it? And if it has... how do I learn how to get rid of it?

Why am I scared to bake at ABC late at night. Is it because I am alone? Or because I don't feel safe? Its downtown Decatur.. there are always people roaming around and the police drive by regularly. But there is still a fear... one that I really want to get rid of. That I will get rid of.

Also I have felt very disconnected from life and people. Walking around in a constant daze... not really noticing anything around me. Occassionally bumping into walls of life... I just haven't been myself. I'm not motivated, I'm super lethargic, and I can't seem to thinks straight.

You know the other night I looked in the mirror... and when I say I looked, I really mean it. I stared deep into my eyes... blocking out the rest of my body, just taking a deep look into my eyes... hoping I would find something... well I did. I have found that I have lost parts of myself. I could see them floating across the sea of black. These weren't my eyes staring back. Its when I realized I needed to take some time. I need to find myself again. This first year of college I lost huge chunks of my life. You know they say you find yourself in college... well I lost myself... but I will get it back. I will become my independent, people loving, caretaking, life breathing self again. No longer just a name or number. I want to be regardless of what people think of that. I will find that inner connectedness that I was once so intuned with. I felt that in England... now I just need to get it back.

From this point on I am Lindsay. Not a lesbian, first-year, scottie, theatre major, short-hair, other half. I am just me. No more trying to please anyone, but myself. Because thats the only person I can actually please anyway. No more useless tears. No more fake laughter.

Just me. Thats all I want.
No more pretending. Just me.

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 03:38:21 GMT

Why is it that everyone has opinions on everyone else? Everyone falls into a category. Especially if you are a minority, such as lesbian, queer... whatever the fuck you want to call it. You're a butch, a dyke, a femme, a granola... what if I want to just be comfortable, whether it be in a polo and khakis, leather and chains, a flowing skirt, or stilettos and a mini? Maybe my hair will be long, mowhawked, shaved, short, buzzed, curled, or in a lazy pony tail. So what if I look like a middle aged Lesbian at the age of 19. Who's to say what a middleaged lesbian looks like... you know the people that strive to be so individual are sometimes the ones who like to force others into a box. Maybe I will just wear a mask... hide my face from the world, put on a trash bag in the morning and walk out the door.... that way people will talk... but they will never really know what I look like... therefore I won't care if they talk, because they won't ever see my face, they won't ever see me. They will just see the mask and dark bag... I won't be vulnerable... I will be hidden...

Who has the right to judge? Why is it that I am so upset by one comment from someone who doesn't even know who I am? Is is because of the recent Aunt Flo visit? Or is this just a sensitive subject.

I cut my hair... I may look like a 30 something lesbian... whatever the hell that look is... but I am cooler at work.... and I don't have to worry about what I do to my hair...

They are dead skin cells. That is all... just dead cells... the longer they get the hotter I get so... I chop them off... for practical purposes... who cares what I look like????

I do. :(

Summer Ramblings.

Wed, 16 May 2007 03:01:52 GMT

Sigh...so much has happened in the past couple of days... yet nothing has actually happened, just a lot of stuff going on in my head that I have been meaning to write about.

The thing that has been on my mind the most is my girlfriend. I hate being apart from her, especially when I can't talk to her. There are so many times I go to pick of the phone but then remember that she is hiking. I miss her so much and I can't wait to have her in my arms again. I know its only been like 3 days since we last talked, but its been almost a whole week since I saw her and I miss her. I got used to sleeping next to her and seeing her everyday. I just want her back as soon as possible :(

Other things have been racking at my brain. Work is interesting to say the least. I love the customer interaction. Its great. The people are certainly interesting and the employees are sweet.

I have had a lot of time to think, since I have just been working and chilling out. Today I went to visit my brother and his family, my mom came and we went to see my nephew's baseball game for 6 year olds.
It was intense. These coaches were ridiculously competitive, and the parents were worse. These tiny little boys were expected to field line drives perfectly, hell they were expected to hit line drives. IT was insane how much emphasis these parents placed on competitive atheletics. I was on a college team that wasn't as competitive as these people were. Its like southern white middle class families bread these perfect little aryan babies that are suppose to be amazing at everything. I know the whole aryan thing is a bit much, but they are hardcore. I really wish someone would do an indepth study of the behaviors of little league parents in upper middle class southern suburbia. I think it would produce some interesting results.

On another note, living on my own has been interesting. Dealing with roommates has had its challenges, but they are all sweethearts.

I guess I will end this rambling... I am sure there is more to say but I don't really feel like writing anymore tonight...

A Recap of the 2006/2007 school year...

Thu, 03 May 2007 03:41:58 GMT

It was a big year for me. I survived (for the most part) the first year of college. It was hectic, and a completely crazy experience, but I learned so much from it all.

These are just small recaps (attempting to be funny... so don't be offended ;) of the bigger events, and some small ones. So here we go:

Moving in and getting acclimated:

So I was at an all women's college in Atlanta, Ga, not that far from home, but still a big stepping stone in life. I was rooming with one of my high school friends, which helped a bit in the transition. Anyway, things started out a bit hectic. I was greeted by my big sister. She was friendly, a bit crazy, but you couldn't help but love her. She introduced me to people and helped me to emerge out of my shell. I went to the Collective (the LBTQIA group on campus) meetings attempting to find a group in which to fit in with. I figured I would be safe to be myself in group with similar interests. I was wrong. The Collective wasn't really for me. They were all about activism and I wasn't feeling very political. I didn't find very much acceptance there. I made friends, but I soon realized that those bonds were not very strong. I turned away from some of the friends I had made because I realized that they were not like me, we did not have the same interests or beliefs about anything. My time with them was fun and I learned a lot, but we went our separate ways about 2 months into the school year. That’s when I began to get into the dating scene...

Dating at Agnes:

The rest of my year at Agnes would be filled with girlfriends and many learning experiences. I started dating my first girlfriend, sort of going out on a limb, simply because I was curious. She was not the one for me and it didn't take me long to realize it. What it did take was another girl stepping into my life. I met her in the theatre and quickly developed a crush. I am known to not be very patient. Its one virtue I don't have. I went straight from a ten day relationship into a one that lasted almost 3 months. There was a bit of drama in the transition but once things calmed down, I was able to get to know the girl that I had decided to date. I liked her a lot. She was exciting, energetic and a hell of a lot of fun. She was the first affectionate girl I had ever dated and that made me feel loved and comforted. We had a great deal in common, but I don't think it was enough. There were several things that got in the way. One being the fact that I think she wasn't completely over her ex, I believe that I was a bit of a rebound, which is okay. At least I helped her I think and I wouldn't really have done anything differently. I enjoyed the time we spent together. Right now I am just trying to salvage a friendship from the events.

What was interesting about the ending of this whole situation was that I again began dating another shortly after. It’s a girl I have liked for a while. She is pretty amazing, after 3 months we are still going strong. I learned a lot from the ending of my last relationship. I had never broken up with someone before. I learned that honesty is the best policy; you can't save everyone's feelings. You just have to lay everything out on the table and let whatever happens happen. It will work better that way. I thank her for everything that happened, the good and the bad.

I am now just trying to keep this one around because I kinda love her ;)

Theatre:

It was a big year in my theatre career. I came into college thinking I would be a psych major. I got into the theatre department and absolutely loved every minute of it. I decided to double major in history and theatre that way I would have something to fall back on in case I sucked at theatre...

Well I then went balls to the wall and decided to just become a theatre major with an Art hist minor. I decided that I was going to make the production designer dream I have a reality, even if it means that I might be a poor theatre kid for a while. I love it too much to not do it for the rest of my life, and get paid occasionally ;) So I designed lights for two productions this year (The children's show, and Suzan Lori Parks nationally performed "365 days/365 plays")

I then did something that was way out of character for me. I think it changed my perspective on theatre for life. At Agnes we have what we call the "Ten Minute Play Festival". 3 writers, 3 directors, and 9 actors are given 24 hours to put on a ten minute play. At first I considered writing for it, but when I discovered we only had five hours to write I was like "heck no!" So I made my girlfriend do it :) and she wrote an amazing play. Since the directing was all filled up I had not other choice but to act! I had been on stage before but I had never had any lines to memorize, just blocking. I was terrified, but I threw myself onto that stage. I was given 12 hours to memorize 12 pages of dialogue. I was scared to death. I was cast in a play called Writer's block. I played a writer who had writer's block... go figure. The other two characters were a demon and an angel. I got the script at 11:30pm Wednesday night, and I preformed it on stage at 2:30pm the next day. Right before we are about to go on one of the directors comes into the green room and tells us that the Marsha Norman is in the audience. She is an Agnes Alum who is also happens to be a Tony award winning playwright and Pulitzer prize winner for her play "Night Mother". She also wrote the book for "the Color Purple" the musical on Broadway and "Secret Garden" the musical. It wasn't bad enough that I had to perform for the first time but now I had to do it in front of her. So I went out there. The lights were bright and my heart was about to beat right out of my chest... But it didn't and I survived. Actually doing a good job. I surprised others and myself...

I survived a year in theatre, now just 3 more to go :)

Right now:

Now I am sitting in the library studying for exams, sitting next to my girlfriend as she writes a history paper about a Pope. I am trying to keep the mushy talk to a minimum, but I do want to say that she makes me very happy.

Anyway, I am just trying to get through the rest of this year. I am preparing to move into an Atlanta apartment with a few of my friends in a few days and I'll be working at Atlanta Bread Company to pay the bills, while volunteer at random little theatres.

It turned out to be a very interesting year... one I know is impossible to forget.

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 18:56:42 GMT

I seem to burn every bridge I cross... whether it because of something I said or something I did. This small school is becoming a problem... Sigh. I think that if I was mute my world would be a little less dramatic. Maybe I should take a vow of silence at least until I graduate. For class participation grades I will just hold up signs with my thoughts on them. Why is it that words can be so hurtful. Why is it that I feel the need to always open my mouth? Before coming to Agnes Scott, I never really had anyone mad at me. I was everyone's friend, and then I came here and said too much, did too much, tried too hard, loved too much.

From now on I think I will only talk when necessary, other than that I will keep my opinions to myself and my jokes will only make me laugh for I will be the only one to hear them. It just seems safer that way.

Finally Posting...

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 13:40:39 GMT

You know listening to Regina Spektor makes you look back at everything in your life... its so strange....

Sitting here at the dana desk, drinking my hotchocolate/coffee mixture, eating pineapples, what is left of my breakfast that is always cold by the time I get to work. I always eat the pineapples last because they are good when cold...

I should be doing sociology... but I can't seem to focus.... whats new? I haven't posted in ages. I have tried, but I will write an entire entry and then realize its a little too personal to post and I delete it. I even wrote a song on here the other day... but again I was too worried what people would think so I didn't post it.

I figure no one really reads my livejournal anymore, but I still get worried occassionally that someone will read it and

a) get offended
b) get upset by something I wrote
c) or think my writting sucks

I guess that I really shouldn't be too concerned what people think, but I am. Although B is the main reason I don't post most of what I write. I am still to afraid to write what I really want to write... simple because there will be people that won't want to hear it and I do feel as though my outlook on some things can hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone else... I already have enough pain in my past, I don't need to add to it by posting an internet blog. Its not that there are bad things I want to say, just things, about my life and the people in it.

Sometimes its just a simple daily observation, or thought....

Well it is time for me to head to class... Maybe I will write more later.

Sat, 30 Dec 2006 04:48:36 GMT

I cannot shake this feeling of uncertainty. A feeling the even the most stable parts of my life are made of thin ice. Ice that will easily break the minute any pressure is applied. Sudden feelings of doubt and worry clouding the once clear thoughts, fighting for space inside this busy head of mine. Images of failure, success, love, hurt, and all of the above, hoping that there are evanescent. deep sighs fill my chest. As I sit in silence on the phone waiting... wanting reassurance for the things I have done and the choices that I've made. Yet, there is only the dull noise of a tv in the background. I am not quite sure what I want her to say, or what I need to hear. Maybe the silence is good, maybe this absence of noise will pull me out from my absence? I don't know what I am looking for, I just want to find it.

Realization...

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 16:01:08 GMT

You know you never want to know about all the mistakes you make. But that knowledge is the only way to learn from things. People are in your life to help you realize that there are aspects of your life that you need to work on and many lessons you need to learn. I've made some mistakes and I am not proud of. But I am glad that they have been brought to my attention and now I can work on fixing them....

The Beginning of Thanksgiving Break

Wed, 22 Nov 2006 04:29:11 GMT

So I am sitting here in my best friends house talking to my girl on the phone and trying to distract myself from the horror movie on the tv. I am a wimp when it comes scary movies.

My best friend and her girlfriend are eating cheese cake and kissing... ewwww.... :)

YAYAY they changed the movie. We are now watching high art which is a better movie to sleep to. I would rather rest with drug addicts in my mind then serial killers.

Sigh... I have so much homework to do over break its ridiculous....

Okay... we are going to watch a movie now... love you all...

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 00:52:39 GMT

Just a random update into my life as I know it...

Sitting here in the library pretending to study because I have these "library hours" I have to fulfill as an athlete. Damn softball. Ellyx quit today and I wonder sometimes why I don't have the courage to just walk up to Celia and tell her I just don't want to play. I know why... because I can't let other people down. Not when they are counting on me to have a team. Part of me wants to play and then all the other parts of me are screaming and beating at my insides telling me to give it up...

anyway, I pulled my homework out of my ass this afternoon. I pulled off a relatively good Art History presentation and I actually turned in a Lit Review for FYS, one that actually didn't suck... that badly.

These study rooms are quiet. I am listening to music on myspace with Kim's speedy typing in the background. This past semester of college has gone by so fast. Thanksgiving break is only a week away and soon I will be turning in all my final projects and heading home for Christmas...

I came here a little lame first-year student, not really knowing what to expect. I dove head first into anything I could sink my teeth into. Looking back I figure thats what most first years do, and I know that I really don't have perfect hindsight just yet, but I do see a different person in the mirror. I have grown up just a little and learned to deal with different people. Coming from a high school of 300 kids total, you begin to know everyone and become able to predict every move. Here at Agnes there is no clockwork. Each day is completely different because the people are completely different. I am sure after being around these people for a few more months things may get a little redundant, but I am still meeting new people and I've been here for 3 months.

Never did I think that I would have gone through so many transitions in such a little amount of time. My major has changed several times... Currently I am considering a Major in Theatre, possibly a double major or minor in sociology? Funny how I actually came in so set on majoring in Psych with a double minor in Art history and theatre... that has completely changed... along with everything else in my life.

As you can tell I am in a contemplative mood and I am writing in a stream of consciousness... I am not even reading over what I am writing...

I am learning not to look back at things... yet not to look forward either. Just to look at right where I am standing.

Writer's block big time....

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 16:40:00 GMT

I haven't been able to write in months. I wonder why that is? So many things are happening in my life, yet no words come to mind. Nothing to put down in a page, or type on a screen. Just thoughts...

I hate it when I can't write. Because then I am left alone with my thoughts, no matter how emo that may sound.

I am hoping the words will eventually come out...

A Update for the people who still visit...

Sun, 07 May 2006 16:26:06 GMT

Back again... Its not that I have been too busy or that I have not been online, I just have not had anything to say... at least not to the whole world... so lets see what I have been doing...

I am finished with raft guide training and now I just have to check out, which is the hard part. I am keeping my fingers crossed, I am pretty sure I will be okay. Graduation is soon... I am not really counting the days, mainly because I really have not been present... I have been spaced out for a majority of the time. I am just trying to get through... I am ready to be away from the bull shit at Rabun Gap... of course I will always be surrounded by it, but at least there will be a change in scenery. I am probably not in the best mood to write this post, but I figured I have the time and need to vent. I hate being angry... and sometimes the fact that I am angry makes me even more irritated. I am listening to heavy emo metal in hopes to release whatever it is that is bugging me. Life has been good, I just don't feel like giving this happy cheery post... Sigh... so life is good in general and I am doing okay... I look cute today with my bed hair....

I am heading to the mall to go shopping for gear for the river... I shall post more another day when I am in a different mood

Peace.

A Little glimpse Into the Life of Two Best Friends

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 05:04:15 GMT

Sitting here in at Bethany's house wondering what the heck we are doing tomorrow. Bethany is here next to me in her cute little boxers! awwww..... she is watching carefully over my shoulder making sure I don't call her pale, transparent, white, albino, british, or anything relating to the absence of color. Sigh.... good times. "I love you :Bethany" :) she loves me too" :) so much love in this blinding room. She rolls her eyes. But her bunny slipper make up for everything. They "kick ass" says the albino. I just got hit in the boob. She asked me if I was narrating our life now... "Yes." her response... is rated R and I will not post it. I really don't have anything better to say. I am not a dork! even though the paper sitting next to me says so. Aww... she called me cute. Can you tell I have nothing better to write??? Bethany wants to have a tea party, she misses them. "Ho!" says the white load of laundry. She called me a bitch. Okay... I think I'd better end this... and I hope that whoever reads this will take into consideration that I am rather tired... and "blinded by the light"

"oww..." I say, after snow white hits me for the last time!!!! good night all.

"And no I am not the dwarf you freaking cream filling to my ding dong!"

Wow...

At Last!!!

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 05:26:52 GMT

I got in...

For those of you who don't know, I have been wanting to go to Agnes Scott College since I was a freshmen and first heard about it. It was my number one school and today I arrive home and there are ballons up and down the deck... there was a letter posted on the door, as I came close I saw that the letter read "You're in, Pack your bags!"

I was in shock. My mom and Sarah were sitting on the dining room floor right at the front door. I saw the acceptance letter framed on the table. At first there was a shock. It was completely unreal. As it began to sink in, tears crept down my face... not tears of saddness... but tears of utter joy. It was a beautiful thing. I can not think of a more perfect way to end a night.

Thank you Universe... I am more greatful than you will ever know.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

I am still here.

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 13:48:11 GMT

This is just a small update because I am running out of time in study hall, but at Ashley's request I am posting in here. I have been away for a little too long I suppose... A lot has been going on... but probably too much to have time to post now... So I will save that for later... but I promise I will make a larger update very soon (Just for you Ashley:)

Bell's about to ring... got to go... will post later...

Friend Troubles (Ya know who you are! :)

Wed, 12 Oct 2005 02:20:07 GMT

Look... I don't like fighting, in fact, I can't stand it. Especially with you. You are my best friend, you always will be, and I don't want to risk the chance of messing up our last year together because we are both stubborn and stupid. You know we are! ;) I love you and care about you dearly. I don't want to grow apart, Its bad enough we have to go off to college in less than a year. I said I would always be here... and I will forever keep to that promise. Right now I think we are both so busy, and stressed that it is causing a little strain on our friendship, but we both know we have been through worse and we can easily get through this. Don't give up on me, cause there is no way I am giving up on you. We have to be honest, and we will have to put up with each other shit this year, cause there will be quite a lot I imagine. But its nothing we can't handle. I love you. Remember that.

This journal

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 20:35:02 GMT

No one responds anymore to any of my stuff; Yet, this journal still serves a tiny purpose, being the thing that connects me to my thoughts. What little typing I do here, has made me all the more open and alive. Writing down these little updates or stories makes it all real. This simple page with a pretty background helps me to work through whatever it is that is urking me and lets me get back to me... so even if no one ever comments again, I realized, thats not why this journal is here... it holds a much higher purpose than that of being a connection to others.... it is a connection to me.

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 02:35:42 GMT

There is beauty in the unknown... or so I have discovered. Sleep brings me to a place where I am free... from all I fear or care to love. Yet, when I lay my head down at night to rest I fear the most that I shall dream of things untrue, leaving my hopes strewn about, open for all to come and feast upon.

The open book I have been named, my pages filled with memories and small moments that have produced what you see before you.

In this stream of consciousness where thoughts flow like rain drops on some tin roof in my head, I have realizations, goals, aspirations, hopes, but most of all the overriding force that drives me to stir in the morning: love. The one thing that has kept me coming back for more.

I am afraid that if I keep writing I will forget these current feelings and they shall be stored somewhere for a later date when I am least expecting them, and the flood gates will burst, pouring forth too much emotion to control at once, but if they can break free now, here on this screen then maybe I can let a little more emotion in and push a little less love out.

Cirque in the background... quidam to be specific. The soft typing sounds seem more calming than normal, like they are actually serving a purpose instead of just mindless BS to turn in the next day. Papers I wished I cared for, and words that are never really mine, pulled from some false cavern in my mind where English collides with math, science and history.

All of that knowledge stored for a rainy day when my mind chooses to work instead of being forced to produce product after product, looking for some net result at the end of a time period. My knowledge cannot be judge, yet, you place a monetary value on my brain hoping that what I can regurgitate will get my higher on the latter than the guy next to me. When in truth, how I apply my new findings is where the real challenge for my life begins, survival of the fittest... or wittiest... you choose.

These words aren’t making sense anymore than the quick proverbial junk floating around in between my ears. This entry is getting rather lengthy for not really saying much... maybe I am saying a lot without knowing it? Time will tell all right? I’ve lost my watch, I hope that someone will guide me along they way, at least pointing me in the general direction of some form of time. My blabbering is to procrastinate doing the busy work that will get me ahead in this race for college, 20 years from now I won’t remember what Louis the whatever died of... unless I choose to become a major in european history... which seems unlikely considering my current grade.

Sleep is beginning to rack my body, the bed softly calling my name... question now is... do I answer it? Or ignore it to produce some type of product to turn in to the teacher in the morning? I choose sleep... maybe I will wake early enough in the morning to put my mind to something other than thoughts of my choosing...

farewell world... sleep has beaten me.

A Brief Update

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 20:27:45 GMT

Not a lot has been going on as of late. School and such. I really havn't had time to write anything in here. Life is going pretty well and my classes are okay... wow I sound really boring... honestly I really don't feel like writing very much. I am not in the mood so to speak... the muse is not hanging around at the moment. if you want to know more comment and I will fill you in a little better... peace and love.

I am still here.

Thu, 08 Sep 2005 01:50:15 GMT

A lot has been going on lately and I am not sure what exactly to make of it. Confusion has been my number one emotion lately. I don't know... maybe when I am all here I shall fill you in. If you are really curious, drop me a line. I am gonna go shower and pass out. Goodnight.

...

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 04:25:18 GMT

... Sigh...

Whooooo

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 15:31:07 GMT

School is starting in three days. I am actually excited to go back. I miss everyone and my summer routine has finally gotten to me. I know that when I get back to school all I will want to do is go back to summer... but oh well. Registration is tomorrow and I am always interested to see who the new students are. Enrollment has gone up to around 300 or so I have heard... which is crazy... so there will be a lot of "new blood" tomorrow. but its all good. I just can't wait to see all of my people!! anyway, just wanted to post... so yeah.... peace.

Sigh

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 03:58:27 GMT

It seems like all of my posts begin with a sigh... I think that one action expresses so much more than words could.

I am tired... I just moved into my new room... it was my grandmother's room. and this may sound weird but I can still feel her in here. She never really watched over me while on this earth, but I know that she hasn't let me out of her sight since she left.

School is almost here and I have like none of my summer reading finished. I am literally screwed. I have like maybe a week... but as always I will get it done at the last minute. I am ready to go back to school... I really miss everyone.

I know this post is rather choppy but its how I am feeling right now. I have a gash on my arm from climbing around in the attic. My battle scar...

So I shall now end this little rant of mine... saying everything without saying anything at all...

goodnight

Humm

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 04:33:33 GMT

Its weird. I thought that for some reason sa time went on the things in my life would start to make a lot more sense. It seems like I keep messing up. The list of my mistakes would take me days to recite. And yes... I know that we all make mistakes, and I am not saying that there is really anything I would want to take back, but there will always be those things that hang around in the back of my mind. In a week I will be starting my senior year and at this moment that thought is both exciting and frightening.... Hell I am not really sure what I am talking about right now... but I guess... there are some apologies I want to hand out. These people will know who they are...

I am sorry for some of the things I have said in the past. I forget sometimes that my words are so strong and can truly hurt so much.

I wish there were some things I could have done differently, I guess things ended the way it was planned. I miss you. That will never change. I just hope you find what you were always looking for.

I am sorry for pushing you away, when all i really wanted was to be close, I wanted so badly for you to like me and be there for me, that I was afraid to do anything for fear of messing it all up.

I am sorry that I blew you off. In just a few short hours I screwed up our friendship and I will always regret that.

and last but not least...

I want to apologize to myself...

I am sorry that I don't always like you, and I am sorry that I have done some things to you in the past that have left scars, inside and out. I just want you to know I love you, I think for one of the first times in my life I can honestly say those three words about myself...

Okay so I rambled... and you (the readers) may have thought that this entry was completely pointless, but I just needed to write.

Fri, 12 Aug 2005 18:05:57 GMT

1. What is your current default ringtone?
"Losing my Religion" REM
2. What is your current wallpaper?
City scene :) with the little cingular guy on the corner

3. Do you own a picture phone?
nope

4. Go to your text message inbox and type what the 10th message says:
lol just cleared them...

5. How many contacts do you have on your phone?
96

6. Go to your missed calls. 5th missed call... who is it?
Sara Carlson

8. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
mom

9. What service do you have?
cingular

10. At this very moment, how many bars do you have for your service battery?
1! i need to charge it.

11. Who's on your speed dial number 5?
i don't use speed dial

12. Do you have voicemail?
yep

13. How many contacts that start with the letter D do you have?
4

14. Who do you call the most?
Bethany, mom, beth, Krystal, Caity

15. How many text messages do you get a month?
umm about 12 or so

16. Can you send pictures?
nope

17. What are the last 4 digits to your number?
heck... no...

18. Go to your sent texts, what does the eighth one say?
I just deleted most of them

19. What about the 15th?
good lord... i deleted them!

20. Who's the last person that you called?
mom

22. Last person that texted you?
Bethany

23. Last person you added to your contacts?
Grapes and Beans :)

24. How many minutes are on your plan?
I have a family plan with 500 anytime for two ppl and unlimited night and weekends and mobile to mobile

25. Do you like your phone?
yeah its cool